SUPER -- Over the top

Time is like a capsula that I swollowed and that has made the ulcers grow bigger in my stomach.

I reach home, I walk by the mirrow, I see a pale face and a bunch of uncombed thin hairs sticking to my hood. I crave for potato slices in the oven. Sunset is over, but the blue of the darkened sky has a glimmer of violet that makes me smile because I see some naive magic in it. I quickly peel the potatos and watch how the boiling oil is jumping on the slices. When I open the oven they are screaming because of the hot fat. Even these yellow screaming pieces of food are stronger than me. I feel left behind. There's not much I long for, everything is a burden. Nothing is light except the light and I follow its course every day if it shows up. I could sit like that forever and stop thinking. How would it be to turn myself on the chair in the office towards the window and I would freeze in that position. Anyone would dare to touch me, a statue, just a visual form on a chair. When I speak I hear myself talking and I wonder who that is, a robot and mechanism whose remote is in the hands of someone else.

Everyone is talking about applications and contracts, the pain of sitting many hours a day, the challenge of muddling your way through to a job that gives you a minimum satisfaction and about the dwindling time and the dwindling muscles, the first wrinkles, the latest diet. There is success, too and it is exhibitioned. On social media platforms I click myself through self-marketing egos, a naked ass in a Tanga on a beach in Thailand follows a cynical analysis of an article on feminism and a Valentine's greeting of some stranger I have maybe met once in my life follows the photo of unwrapped books and a post saying "my book is out: It's in the shops. Buy!!" Of course this is nothing new and one could and should ask: so why are you watching? Why don't you stick to youself? Well, I still have this naive hope that learning is generated through sharing, but in these days sharing means comparing and alltogether it's a pretty foul trade. I have recently read an article about a seminar which you can take to learn how to be more egoistic in order to boost your career. So why in this society people that are less egoistic have to learn how to be more egoistic? why, I am asking it is not the other way around? I am scared to hell. I am being told to relax. I am not permitted to criticize, I am being looked at weird because I question. Change your job they say. Take a time out they say. Well, it's not gonna change anything because the change would have to be so radical I think. You have three choices: Be within the system, at the brink of the system or outside of the system.

I want to go the lands of unknowing and unlearn. I am not interested anymore in gaining knowledge because my roots feel rotten. How much have I really understood? I see limits and fences, I see copies and repition. Maybe I am already wandering through the border area without being aware, scared to admit that just the ghost of what is left of me goes to work everyday.

Two weeks ago there was an employees meeting and we gathered at an old petrol station that is a fancy bar now. We got bracelets so that we would be able to order drinks. "super" it said on the bracelet. When I tried to take it off in the evening it was pulled so tight I had to use scissors and I almost cried of relief when it was gone. Super- over the top. So over the top that I am scared of falling.


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